Biases and Dilemmas

Anna H
For Laura Nitzberg, Couples Therapy


Upon first consideration, I like to think that I don’t have much in the way of biases for practicing with couples in therapy. I consider myself an ally of folks within the BLGT communities, and therefore believe whole-heartedly that loving relationships between two people are good, no matter what their gender expression or orientations. In a related area of consideration, I consider myself a sex-positive person, and I include within that designation the feeling that, as long as the people within the relationship as they define it are practicing safe, sane, consensual and risk-aware kink—regardless of what their particular kink might be—then they are free to do what makes themselves and each other happy. There are boundaries to this acceptance, of course: all relationships must be consensual, and no partner should ever feel abused or taken advantage of within the context of their relationship, be that in an emotional, physical, sexual, economic, or psychological realm.
These being my base line for acceptance, I realize that I need to consider how I personally feel about relationship styles and communication to better recognize where my biases lie. I do not consider infidelity to be acceptable behavior unless it is within explicitly open and recognized parameters; that is to say, I think the idea of cheating, as opposed to open relationships or polyamory, is wrong. The deception and lying violates the trust and affection necessary for a healthy relationship, and I would probably have a hard time counseling a client who came to me having been unfaithful to his or her partner. I know that people can get over such hurts in their relationships, but personally I would have trouble remaining objective and neutral with a couple where one of the partners had betrayed their relationship with the other in such a way.
Interestingly, while I do consider myself at the very least non-damning of those sexual practices that run counter to my own, I do not agree with promiscuity, both for moral and health reasons. This gives me pause when I consider the separate, but related idea, of swinging, where married couples include other married couples in their sexuality. I feel somewhat conflicted regarding this, because I wish to be at least permissive of others’ sexuality, as it is really no business of mine what they do as long as they are being good to each other. In our culture, and to my way of thinking, however, it feels that marriage takes a couple into a different set of relational boundaries which swinging with other married couples seems to belie. Again, my concern is rooted in abuse and harm, because I have my doubts as to whether couples can truly remain happy and committed to each other, while having sex with other people, given that sharing sexuality is such a fundamental part of what it means to be bonded in romantic relationship with someone else. When a relationship becomes defined by marriage, it feels to me that people are saying they wish to only be with this one person for as long as they both may, whatever that ends up meaning. While polyamorous relationships may accept multiple partners on equal footing or a primary partner and other lovers, the boundaries of the relationships are necessarily set up to allow this, and therefore all parties involved are in agreement as to what that means. This expectation does not exist within the parameters of marriage, and therefore I struggle to accept that people married to one another would want to involve themselves with others, but not consider it infidelity. Other areas where I think I might struggle include circumstances where there is a significant age, socioeconomic, or other power disparity between the two halves of the couple, because I might be skeptical of the potential for abuse in some form.